Walking round town and feeling useless

It's fairly obvious to everyone around me that I'm a man of little to no ambition. At least so I thought. Today I decided to treat myself to sushi at a chain restaurant called Simply Asia, and I found that I was treated with undue friendliness, first by the waitress, and then by a young woman who came wondering in.

Is this my deserved state? To be treated with kindness? Or am I not nearly so important? I cannot decide why. In in my grunge hair and my puke-yellow hoodie someone would have to be a little crazy to treat me nicely. Just don't respect myself today, that's the fact of the matter. Just don't have the patience with people who do.

So when she came to the window which admitted a view of the kitchen staff working on the food orders, and where I was sitting, my original instinct was not to look at her, but to close up. To make as if I'd not been the cause of her coming across to me.

Yet when she left, she smiled at me. I made a point of looking into her eyes and she smiled at me. I smiled back. And she left. She waited outside for a while, and then that was that. The end of an evening. It did not get better after that.

I sat by the ocean choking on my wasabi and crying a little. I look for any excuse to cry because tears don't come easily. Then I went and bought an expensive ice cream which did not improve things. I just felt lonely and as if no one would be there to talk to me, not only on this night, but forever.