I don't want to write

I don't want to write, because I don't feel I have anything to say. I've been here almost a month and I haven't written very much. The residency is great. There's nothing at all wrong with the place like I thought there would be. Party animals or not, teaching is still their main priority and they're getting on with it. There is no cause for alarm. There is only opportunity for growth. Isolation is not helpful for my life. It is a golden calf in my dreams. I want to escape life, that's why I isolate. But now I've got everything I need to move forward.

Shane is a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul. She loves life more than I'd think a girl could do. Birth control or not, she still knows things; still has a grasp on things I don't. She is a fine asset to have as a friend. I always thought that if you could find the right words you could make the right poem and that poem would change the world forever. They didn't invite me to their spa thing - not yet; but maybe this will still happen. Today nothing seems to matter. It's a good day to clean my room and to get my responsibilities sorted out.

As I seek solace in my life, I also seek to stop myself from aging. I no longer want to think and worry about so many things.  I don't know what I'm supposed to be writing about anyway, but here I am, and here this computer is. It's empowering to give up caring about what people think. The real life has robbed me from the path I needed to follow. Whatever that path was. So yes, it would seem I'm depressed and that's all there is to it.

One of the things I waste my life on is thinking about what could have been. If a man doesn't know what port he's sailing, no port is favorable. I find that in my introspective moments I become depressed. Does it then follow that being introspective leads to depression? I don't know. All the rivers are muddied, all the songs are now old. All that I once hoped for is now no more than a daydream without the hope of a true awakening. Only in my introspection can life attain to those dizzying heights of ecstasy.

The sadness of others provides me with some solace. After all, I'm only here for a year. It may take a while longer before I truly settle in.