A bright and airy day

 What a bright and airy Sunday morning it is! And this is what I mistook for a blighted Monday. Well quite the opposite in fact. It is a brilliant time to write a book. And what shall that

book be named? And what about? And where shall its setting be? I only know that freedom feels like the place I stayed in Bangkok. What a fine place that Siam Journey place was! What a joy

to finally unencumber myself from all the stress and damage foisted upon my body by bosses and greedy parents. What a marvellous position to be! And that was my last and final outpost 

before a kind of apocalypse would come. The apocalypse of my independence. I stayed too long with my mom and then too long with Aiya. This was like going from the frying pan to the fire, 

and then I presume I'll go back again to the frying pan and so forth. The primary driver of these decisions is of course my mental and physical health. The latter relying on the former, and

when my back is a problem, the former relying on the latter, and so on and so on... I can only think of airy brightness this morning. Nothing untoward, nothing angry or strange. I don't 

know the chemistry of this outcome, but I'd pay to find out. How do I arrive in a place of complete non-chalantness? Only five days or so ago I was upset at a woman for refusing to text 

me back! Even though I don't know the woman. The fact is, that unless my mental state is completely unjaded, uninflamed, unviolated, I simply can't expect myself to grab the attention of

women with too much success. That and the fact that I've got a little greying problem (which can quite easily be solved with what my mom calls a wash). And what was I dreaming about last 

night? I fail to remember. Something about my plants that I've fed of late with various superfoods. I am obviously quite excited to start such an enterprise. It takes me an age and a half

to get anything started usually. This is because I want to make sure I've done the right things first. And I hate being told what to do. I treasure discovery and writing out charts and 

plans. A bit of a Leonardo Da Vinci in my own right. If there were a room where such experiments might take place on the daily, I would throw myself into the enterprise like none other. 

The gardens of Singapore and the flowers of Siam will be my lodestar. The books of Charles Dickens will offer up endless motivation to start such a business. Which reminds me; perhaps 

geraniums would like another tot of their favourite drink? Just something to juice them up. Nothing too rich or laden with water just a little juice-me-up? This would set them on the 

right path to a lifetime of growth. I cannot and I will not deal with tragedy right now. I've forced enough tragedy on myself in the past decades, of which I'm rapidly heading toward

a fourth. That was the first negative note I've struck. I will right course. In any case, there are things one can learn in their free time. Even if it's only about a little history

here and a little chemistry there. It doesn't need to be life-changing right now. And those who have moved on with their lives haven't necessarily rejected us. No, no, not at all. 

For instance there was that lovely cherry of a woman, Natassa Lengkong, who was - let's face it - always destined to marry a very rich and powerful man. She did not despise or turn 

her back on me. No, that is far from the truth. She loved me as her own. She sent me wonderful things that I've kept, and she wanted my company. I just haven't gone along the path that 

marriage would require of me; and the family is another issue. She was thinking first and foremost of her family. These past few months have had so much grit and grime in them that 

my vision has been somewhat clouded. I could not see the gold for the mud. I could not see the goodness for the poison. I have instead ingested all of it in one foul soup of activity. 

The illness that arises from my ears has rendered me more depressed than usual. The fact that I haven't exercised has not helped much either. Aiya is trying to motivate me to run and 

lift more kettle bells. She has not had her way, and I am loathe to do any of these things. I would rather read books in the mornings. I would rather make sure that I end up a writer. 

This is the way life goes for me, but there must be a path out of it. It doesn't have to become such a drudge. There must surely be a key to unlock this door. I also wonder sometimes 

why it's such a struggle to keep in communication with people. Daniel has not sent me a message for many weeks. I wonder how I've annoyed the poor bugger. What I've done to upset his 

applecart this time. The christian folks we visited on Friday evening are really the only ones a person can talk to without making them bored. Of course I don't want to push people 

away, but I do so especially when I'm drained of my own essence. People will only stick around when the oil in one's body and soul is plentiful. If there is no vital juice, how can 

one expect anything else. This day requires at least some exercise though, and definitely some reading. That's all I know for sure. Maybe a trip to the beach is possible? Maybe a 

lengthy one, now that there are no appointments to keep? I am happy to be in my own skin sometimes. When my back is sore I can't think of anything else but that. When I wake up feeling 

like a loser I can't think of anything but that either. It really becomes difficult to navigate these things, and so when a decent feeling of normalcy comes about, I really can't explain

how delightful everything feels. I don't suppose this means going back and doing biscuit mill gigs and being the young exuberant person I was before. I might have to be more mature about 

things going forward. But a lot of that exuberance, I feel, was simple deludedness. It was a sense that nothing could ever go wrong if you were simply positive. The covid has proven 

differently. Virtually no one's positivity was able to save them from the onslaught of overbearing Lords and Masters. There is a sense in the air that we are not our own; and that therefore

we should rejoice for our redemtion draws night. But how do I evangelise when I am such a heap of indescretion some days? What path must I take to be a genuiune and sincere evangelist? 

Since my serious conversation with Aiya on Friday evening (in which I laid down the law of my condition and my plans) I feel myself to be a much more sincere person, but really, am I?

And will this not just result in another detour which leads to the same conclusion; Whereby I'm forced into marriage with this woman? Well I suppose God will have to guide me through

these troubled waters because I am no good at such things. I just know that I've moved toward the light a little bit, and a little bit is something. To be in the light is something

I have truthfully never experienced in a really mature sense. I've never been the person who can be relied upon in the way Johan can. Johan can say something to a crowd of literati and 

essentially shoot them down without feeling any pang of self-consciousness. I look up to a man like that. I want to do things like that too. I want to be reliable and to feel that I'm 

worth something in the only scheme that matters: God's Kingdom. I am unworthy as I now stand. I don't feel fit for heaven. I feel lazy and beaten down. I don't want to keep messsing things 

up and I pray that they will change soon. That God will change them. My back is acting up a little now. Maybe it's the position I'm lying in. It's wind and kidney pain as well. Perhaps 

I'll just go downstairs and make a sandwich. I'm in no state to do yoga and stretches. I need dopamine all of a sudden. I feel pain again, and I feel anxious that thisday won't be great.