I need to read more of that fantastic book

 You can't expect something for nothing jeeze. I tried so hard to please you people but there was always something new. Could you have decided to turn things around a little? I 

suppose I should be a little bit more grateful for people like teacher Joy, but when I was gone you were infatuated with the new teacher and even gave him more gifts than you had

me. I loved my time in Thailand for what it was, don't get me wrong. But the shit I had to put up with from you people means that I have to rest up before I can find it in myself

to get moving again. I don't know what I was expecting, I suppose I don't want servants but I'd appreciate a little help. I mean practically, you weren't able to understand two 

words put together in the English language and here you expect me to handle a whole class of naughty kids alone. It just isn't my idea of fairness. My back is substantially worse 

off than what I came in with. I want to go back but to rest, because things are so damn cheap in that country. I just don't feel comfortable in a world where you make it so difficult. 

Those dry and dusty mornigs where I tried to buy beer and you turned me away were unbelievable. There was no juice in you people. Sure, the culture was amazing but the ignorance still 

gets to one. I just got fed up with it in the end. After I'd been to Phuket by myself and sat in that bathtub the whole time, I came back and there was this awful taxi driver who kept

getting up my nose, so I just shooed him away. That's when the simple minded people would't leave me alone and I decided Thailand wasn't for me. I'm just glad I got out of there. All

of that noise and dust depresses one after a while. I thought there must be some places to explore. There must be something here, but when I headed out on the evenings it was just plain"

awful. The streets were full of Thai women trying to invite in gullible men. Even Cha-Aim means nothing to me, whereas the first time I met her, she became the central feature of my 

time in those University classrooms. She just became nothing. I'm not asking for her to be something she doesn't want to, but seeing as I'm a nice guy, you could at the very least

not leave me out in the cold. I may not be very much in terms of appearances, but I have a good heart and we could have done things together. I suppose that's how the world works though. 

It's highly cynical and people think you're just going to use them. But rarely has any one of my friends left my company without being better off. Sometimes the gymnastics and aerobatics

I've had to spin off were something very difficult to do. I went out of my way for them; always buying them beers and always taking them places and helping them any way I can. But this 

is just the way I thought friendship was meant to be. I didn't know for instance that people could be of use to me in any way. That they could actually help make my life much easier. 

I learnt that a little too late. This time might be the last time I head out with such expectations. This time I'm fairly messed up and I cannot find another task to throw myself into. 

Not in the state I'm in anyway. I learned to resent the Thais in that small town of Khian Sah. It became a grudging proceedure to walk past that office. And I helped when I had to 

But somehow Steve still thought it fit to shout at me. I want to be healthy again. I want to be back where I was, not some crippled old man without the will to live in the mornings. It's 

vital that I get things back in allignment. My stomach feels like raw meet in the mornings. My mind is bursting with words from people I don't know. I had a dream last night that I had

been in Thailand for quite a while, renting one of those tiny buildings. And I went down to the lake like I had gone down to the estuary with that guy who had a motorbike accident. 

And it was a park of some sort, with digital identification right at the end, and I'd decided that when I went back home I didn't really want to do anything. And I had gotten out of the 

crappy hotel I was in. Because that hotel had walls that you had to pass between sideways. Plus it was hot and it was so tiring to even think about those walls and when a fire came 

sweeping through you wouldn't be able to get out of there in a hurry. I think that changing one's living situation is an important decision. And you have to make the right call whether

anyone is disappointed in you for it or not. It's not up for debate. You really have to think about it carefully. The time I had with Aiya was interesting. I don't know if I've even learnt

that much. The honest truth is I might forget every single lesson I've learned. But if there's one thing I can take away from the whole picture it's that beauty means nothing apart 

from the porno movies. Beauty is agnostic. Beauty cannot change the fact that someone is an opportunist or that their parents are shockingly uncouth or that their culture is a run-down

depressing mess. Stone Lee explained the whole thing to me the day I moved my things from that house in the jungle. The trouble is that no one can confront anyone else; It's always

(Puu Kai's favourite expression) Mai Pen Lai. There's nothing to be done for it. And as a result there's a lot of ugliness around. I don't want to be the poor idiot who pitches up to 

a school and gets his guts ridden on like coattails again. I tried my best and I don't think it's fair that you end up without a useable spine. I don't think it's fair that Steve 

always shouted when things didn't go his way; or that he took his wife's part because he had to walk on eggshells when he was with her. We had some great moments at the Amazon Cafe's 

discussing things, but when I got to know the guy it was just like anywhere else. And he expected me to live that way. He expected me to carry on for much longer. The truth is that 

I actually carried on too long. I should have left that place after a year; come back, refreshed and then gone back. Now I'm sitting with an angry woman on my mind and it just makes 

me feel weak. Last evening she even said "Oh, so you want to be a loser," several times.  I realize the intent was to spur me back into action but it didn't work. It just made me 

more resolute. And now Mike's died. But she didn't really give me any sympathy for that either. It seems to me that she's gotten everything wrong with me when it comes to sensitive matters.

Everything for her is robust. And I cry too much for her because I don't see the bigger picture. As a matter of fact life is much bigger than Aiya. There are streets and cities and 

whole countries to explore. And I respect that we had time together. It was important for realizing that she's not the kind of woman I want or need to marry. I did love her, but the 

heavy side of things was too great for me to overcome. I don't want to have to doubt that I'm marrying the right person. That just isn't fair on either one of us. Now, I've seen some 

real supermodels in that place. In Surat in the elevator of our very hotel room once, I saw the most beautiful long-legged woman who I'd be happy to date and spend time with. But not 

Aiya. Not for an eternity. No, I need someone who understands me better. Understands my pace and the reason I'm here, and why I need rest at awkward times. Sometimes my joints seize up 

and I get a little upset at the thought that I might be getting old. This is all unfortunate. And yesterday I was thinking what building a character means. It means seeing the world from

their eyes. That's how I ought to live. There have been far too many "I's" in here. I really need to focus on opening up my vision and exploring ideas from other peoples' perspectives.