In my naive little chamber

 Thailand was a trip of enchantment and wild magic. Along with every bit of hope there was something that had no name attached to it. Something dusty and mystical and also a little dull. I've had a chance to look over everything, to see the heart of it all. It's a broken harp or a busted up piano. Nice to look at but only good on the outside. It's full of efficient looking things but they're not all there. There are a lot of crazies, and the point I guess is to keep the crazies in check. We're coming to the end now, you see. We've pushed God too far, and now the curse is imminent. In fact it might already be here. I stepped up to a place in Phuket, asked would they let me use their bath. They said no, it's massage or nothing so I left it at that. It was rather odd. 

I came back with less answers than I came with. The place left gnats in my hair and worms in my stomach. That's the only way to describe it. It looked great but now I'm suffering the disenchantment. Like a tired old dog who wants to rest all day, I just lie here, typing out my notes. Bitterness in my stomach, fire in my heart, and no real conclusions. Even wanted to start a blog while I was over there. Then some stinking American with big arms and a big ego did it instead. Must have known I was gunning for him. Him and his weird girlfriend. There's nothing there but a natty mess of emotions, some of being forced into marriage, some of hoping for something more. The monks always focus on the suffering, they try to let it be and not get too involved. 

In many ways I'm lying here trying to get Thailand out of my bloodstream. The world's a full and large place. It's got so many corners and alleys and skyscrapers, that it beggars belief. Aiya's probably lying down right now thinking if her help with haircuts and all the rest was worth it? We were good to each other but it was a wild ride. One I'm not readily willing to repeat. Relationships are awful and majestic things. I get caught in the undercurrent of them like most things. 

He is ailing in the spirit, he knows not what he should do. when I sniff my fingers it's because I've scratched my but. In the same way, when I came to Thailand it was with the satisfaction that I knew things that I had no clue about. When you realize you'll never fit in that's when the pain and indigestion starts. That's when you question how much you knew, and it happens all the time.

It keeps coming back, especially when I'm alone. It's like I've got to sort myself out before I head back out. Got to check out my head before I go high-tailing it. Got to wait. Get strong. Fit, mobile.