The Thai girls were eyeing me

 I've had Thai Girls eyeing me in various places and Aiya getting very upset. But I wanted the attention. Who was she to take it away from me? Who am I to feel any different? There was 

one day when we traveled all the way to Anna's house with things in tow and we had gone through the most horrible of districts to that house, and then when we got there it was dusgusting 

as well. You have to stay in a decent area if you want to live properly my mother said. No mucking around. In that house nothing was working and the burglar bars were so constrictive. 

And who was Aiya to come in there and start complaining. I was trying to scale down. I don't. It was 5 in the morning when I had to leave for immigration. What an almighty tour in the 

morning. The temple was blazing with light. I wanted... I wasn't sure what I wanted. I was as lost then as I am now, and the only thing a lost person can do is ramble. Ramble with the 

almighty Gods. I wanted a whole lot of things but at the end of the day I knew I'd have the same old feelings eating at the stomach. It was a free life, a good life. One of the problems 

I have is getting down on life. It just isn't that bad. If you want bad, look at Ukraine at the moment. Another problem is not being open enough to the world. And lastly, the lack of 

everything put together. For instance, family, career, fulfillment; they all have to come together in a blend. They aren't any good by themselves. And so we build our lives. But something 

in me also asks, isn't there a way to live without being tied down? We can't just jump from one aspect of life to the next and not tie them all together, but what if there's a more 

dynamic way to live with no settled place in mind? I tried a whole lot of dating sites last night, and either I'm just no good at it, or it genuinely is rubbish. I think the only way to

get out there is to get out there! Yesterday I had one almighty moment of clarity. It was after the Ou Meul wher my mom dropped me off. The magnificent mind rambles. One moment is all 

you need to realize that everything's inspired. Tapping into the inspired frequency of the universe one might call it. But whatever it's called, you melt away, you fade away, you fool 

away into the distance, and those voices keeping you stuck on the plantet's ground just aren't there anymore. It was on coming back home that I crawled into that softly lit space and 

The world around me began to fade. It was a moment of contentedness; totally unexpected as all contentedness is. I had read the apologue to Smollet's Roderick Random, and it was there, 

there for the taking, with little to no troubles on the horizon. And I was in fact happy for the rest of the day. So happy that no one could shake me. My mother tried, but it was to 

no avail. We had taken off. That reminded me of a woman taking off her trenchcoat to reveal her lingerie. I have now saved that image. I do not believe God to be so stylistically ignorant

as fellow Christians make him out to be. I have to believe the passages where God is a stylish man who never batters an eyelid for anyone. If there's one thing I learned about that school 

in Thailand way out in the forest, its' that the place has no style. You have to take things in your stride. Even when mothers come after you with a vengeance. You have to hang out with 

people and give them their ability to maintain their world the way they want. Sometimes I look back and realize how many great moments I've deprived myself of. I was hoping they'd come 

bouncing back but maybe I just stifled them so hard that they can't. Overwork and worry does this. Overwork to make yourself feel better about the bad things you're doing. That relationship

was on the rocks the whole way through. You need a girl who's capable of adventure. There was very little of that over there. You need to clean up your wounds, head out there and do it 

all again. . . Or maybe not. Maybe this time it's a case of getting everything set up so you don't have to. This is also the problem with sex. There is nothing that comes after it. The

celebration did not continue. It wasn't sustainable. I bent myself up into pieces over a surly fool and got very little in return. Well... I like to write this way because there's no 

restriction on time, and I feel that morning light, which is now really midday light, lightening my soul. I don't feel the concrete blocks compressing my spine. I don't feel that old 

industrial brokenness of Gansbaai and the old refinery and the dead look of Laos border crossing. I feel a great sense of the future coming on. This is sustainable. That wasn't sustainable. 

Looked at symbollically, it's like a fruit that got eaten into too quickly by the bugs. It started out well enough. I was still in the initial daze of everything, and she was taking me 

to hairdressers and making me feel like a million dollars. We went to The Grounds too and that was lovely. We went to KFC at the Big C complex. Music was lost and all came to a mud-dog 

uncontrollable breakdown in slow motion. The thrill was gone. And I don't want to throw anyone away, even now, after all Aiya was my first relationship. How much longer was I supposed to 

wait? It was a golden era, albeit a fake one and therefor not really gold. How I suffered through those months, and how was I to get out of it? She helped me come right and I cried 

in her arms, and now I'm to throw her away? Is that's God's will, are we in too deep? I am not sure what the solution is, Thais work too hard. I want to clear all this stuff off my 

mind. I do think that I masturbate when I'm stressed. I don't want to be masturbating. It's never good, it's always a sign that something's wrong in the spirit. It's a signpost. 

There is nothing good in masturbation. I have not been doing enough things. I could have been doing things instead of wasting time. I believe there are still good things to follow, 

but this lifestyle is not one I can pursue. I need an intellectual adventurer with me. I chose the wrong person. There are no excuses, I can't give any. I could have gone with anyone 

else on that level, I seemed almost doomed that way. And dear old Abby would have not been good enough for me, or maybe she would. You cannot infer much by looking back. Everything 

seems so simple and we lie to ourselves. I want neatness and sustainability, no more wastage, no more fly-by-night women. The worst part of all is that I really don't trust myself. 

I don't see a future for myself as I now am. Playing video games and so on all day. All of these worthless enterprises. What do they come to? Now if I had a base to build from, 

a career, a way of making a life, then the rest would follow quite naturally. I want someone to show me the way sometimes. sometimes I feel much too weak. The lugubriousness has not 

gone, in fact it's just beneath the surface with the damage. The damage has yet to be cured, and it will have to be done while I'm on my feet. Heal on your feet. Do the best to be the 

best, with full knowledge of what you can get out of life. Those places where we ate, they can be mine, and I can achieve all of it, without a doubt. It can be done again in a different 

way. There is no need to throw away it all. If there's one thing that doesn't need to be thrown away it's being with someone in a fancy place on weekends. Well, the difference is she'll 

hopefully, by God's grace be an adventurer, not someone who gets under your skin and damages you like she did. I think I healed her though, and she needs to be grateful for that, but she 

has damaged me and I don't see too much of a future with her. I don't see it with her bad moods and her lack of interest in things and her indellible idiocies that get me down some nights.