Emotional help for those with Bipolar Disorder

 Between the ages of 18 and 27, I was diagnosed as bipolar and told I'd be on bipolar medication for life. 

I never liked the idea that a pill could complete me to the extent of giving me sanity. On the contrary, it seemed as if I was a ghost on the medication, and an emotionally complete person off it, and for that reason I went off it about 5 times. I felt like a freak. 

On each occasion I stopped taking it though,  I went clinically insane. On each occasion I caused incalculable harm to those around me. On each occasion, it was harder and harder to crawl back to some sense of self-respect, and as a matter of fact, I often found myself throwing away old passions and hobbies of mine as I tried to throw away old versions of myself. Cooking, surfing, writing, going camping, interest in mathematics... Until there was nothing I was interested in but horror fiction and grim politics.

I lost a lot of friends too, and the result was that I hated myself more and more. I once salivated over the idea of committing suicide. That's how much I wanted off this planet. And I often blamed those around me for not having the compassion to stay my friend. I don't blame them anymore though. I know how messed up I was.

How I Fixed Myself

A doctor who dealt with one of my manic episodes said that there was a way off the medication. He said that anger was causing this continual spiral into intensifying bipolar characteristics. He said that adrenaline and noradrenaline were to blame. But he also said that I was ultimately to blame because of the way I chose to encourage these toxic cocktails through anger.

He recommended CBT as a means of getting off the medication. This was all I needed to hear, and I began weaning myself off the lithium. First I was on 750 mg and then 500 and so on, until I was on half a tablet (250mg).

My mother supported me through this process of getting myself off medication. She had to deal with one last serious manic episode, and this was the worst of them all. But during this one it felt like I came out the other side of my madness. It felt as if I'd released what needed releasing. I went back to my childhood through a little play I'd devised for myself. I actually ended up in a creche overturning chairs and tables there, blaming them for my rotten childhood trauma. I thought I had gone back in time. The usual insane stuff. 

But after that major episode, I started cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I reframed every one of my negative thoughts in a more positive light. I realized that negativity was promoting my illness, and visualized harmony in my brain. I did this daily and slowly I became calmer. My thoughts became more rational to the point where I could recognize my former confusion. I then used the Bible maintain this peace of mind. Religion has helped me cope with the hell I was going through, and I often think I underrate it quite a bit. But it helped with anger, and it brought me closer to my mother again, and had a purpose to live out again: "Don't sin, be rightous"etc. Without a purpose in this day and age, it seems we're predisposed to insanity.

So the upshot is that CBT helped me get on the straight and narrow and religion kept it there. I can't say whether CBT could work in your case without religion, because that was my walk. But today I'm off the meds, and I don't recommend you do this without weaning yourself off extremely slowly and without some guidance and evaluation from a trusted professional. In the end, it was definitely all worth it.