I am not a frat boy. 30 days in and I feel hollower than before.

YES

 So I'm back in Thailand after a hiatus in South Africa to help my mother with her lawn service after she contracted covid.

 This time I took my mom on holiday. That's not as generous as it sounds though, trust me. I am not paying... I am still the loser who has been fratting since 8 and is now 36 with only a bachelor's degree to his name. And I'm scrounging for work in Thailand of all places.

Aaand I haven't lost any of the ol' pearl jam since I embarked on this trip. A month ago. Fratting was an easy way out for me but now that I'm not doing it, I feel a total and utter loser. I relied on that for my ego boost. A bit like a negative smoothie. It takes away your power. Now I just have literature and I am reading Homer's Odyssey by the way, in case you're interested 

Last night admittedly, I felt on top of the world but this morning I am just drained. I guess it's going to get better and better the more I stay on track. Those positive moments I mean? What's your experience? Do they become more frequent as you go on? Because I feel so low right now. And old... 36 is after all ancient.