It's nothing personal

I think of her as a child in her home town, she looks like her fists are clenched and she's in a bad mood. Her dad in the next photo is so very proud of her. When I think of that, I wish she'd never broken up with me. 

She gave me a lot that I'd never had before. She restored my faith in my ability to hold a relationship. Some nights we used to cruise around and she'd always be holding my sides. 

Perhaps I've got no right to judge her; growing up as she did, wanting out of life what she did. Maybe there's nothing I can offer to amend for my sins. 

I wanted someone else when I had her. It's true. I wanted someone who meant something, and sometimes she just didn't seem enough. Though sometimes she was. But she never seemed that grateful. 

I feel like crying right now. And if I don't write this, I know the feeling of it will be gone and I won't do it tomorrow. 

The feeling is strange. Now that I know we're leaving soon it's seems to be resurging from somewhere deep inside my heart, and I only remember the good parts. 

There were many bad. She knows how to charm one. We didn't speak much when we went back to her university. We took the car back over there when I was giving her driving lessons. 

I don't just want to be with anyone. The ability to love, to see the best in someone is a divine gift. I don't want to just throw it away as a fling. Something almost otherworldly must grab you about the other person. 

My heart wants to love again, but how perfect some of those moments were with her. She was lovely sometimes, and sometimes I also felt myself longing for more sex. 

Having the hots for someone is quite pointless really. I saw how confused D was after Sam left her. It was kind of awful. 

Aiya knew about festivals. She knew enough Thai culture to have fun in it. Once I shot a prize alligator for her. Once she bought T-shirts for me. 

But her dad. Her dad was a good-for-nothing. Her dad drags her down, even now. I don't want him to do that to her, but I don't want to get involved either.