Ex still rags me after she unfairly broke up with me

 My Thai girlfriend gave me endless hell. She was 22 and I was 35. 

That episode of my life involved so much pain and trauma, that a year later, I had to revisit all the places we had been to as a couple just to actively minimize the trauma... 

We go to a lot of places as couples, and when we break up, we always look back with fondness at them. This just makes the loss of that person suicidally painful at times. So I came back to Thailand from my home country of South Africa to deal with the broken memories, and process them, and put them in the less "special" place where they belong. 

There's a Huberman podcast that talks about revisiting the place of the trauma. That's what we have to do to escape the cycle of pain; to prevent the emotional wear and tear that we run over in our minds like shards of glass. It has to stop somewhere.  And I didn't know why I felt the urge to come back to Surat Thani, a town in Thailand, but it was definitely there. And so I did...

And as I did these activities alone: Mostly visiting malls where I used to treat her to endless things off my measly teachers' salary, and living in the same apartment we cohabited, and just all those sentimental things that we play up to be heaven on earth in our memories. The night-time drives, the visits to 7 Elevens, and markets, parks and rivers. As I did this I realized that I hadn't lost anything. 

I hadn't lost anything at all by losing her. When she broke up with me because she wanted someone richer, I realized she'd lost a sincere person. And that's about the best you can wish for in a long term relationship.

And if you're struggling from a similar trauma, I suggest you do the same thing. But be brave. You will be depressed the first time you see these places again. You will get so low that you might not want to exist. 

But this is good too. Just do it. Go through with it. Make a conscious effort to get the bullet out of your chest. Always painful but worthwhile in the end. 

Anyway I realized one more thing today here in this apartment where I'm staying. She disdains me. 

She still thinks that I'm less than her. And the only proof she needed was to leave me. 

She's called me ugly and she's called me her ex in a kind of boastful way. 

When someone who doesn't deserve you loses you, they try to rationalize it in all kinds of ways. 

They try to make you seem less than them. Just watch. If you watch closely you'll see what I mean.