One scamp bites the dust while a new one reapplies

Somewhere in a carefully curated bedroom in Toronto, a swarthy, pleasantly-built girl with a remote tinge of the Asiatic, sporting a bob-cut, and smiling demurely, sits behind her Apple computer. She is not selling her wares on Only Fans. She could but all credit to her, instead, she has opted for an honest day's work in the form of copywriter for Dingus and Zazzy incorporated. Well... Honesty is relative.

She is writing messages back and forth on Basecamp, like an able tennis player, and with the concomitant flair. She is complaining about her fridge which has just arrived in her 2000-dollar-per-month apartment on the 7th most trendy part of town. Is it a Smeg? No. It's not. It's just a big fridge. A party fridge. 

Reading her messages in her Basecamp inbox - Basecamp being a plugin for co-working remotely with other remote workers around the world- she is sneeringly amused by a new colleague in South Africa. Clearly he is trying to be cool. He is intelligent, capable of doing his job. Sure, all of the above he does perfectly. In fact he's gotten rave reviews from technical clients. But that's not good enough here. Clearly he is failing dismally in this one area and this is causing her to fail in her anxiety-levels("OMGa-a-a-d"). She is OCD when it comes to words and he isn't cutting it. She sees him describing some song he's just found online as "Cake"(adj.), clearly an epithet he made up on the spot to snake his way into the banter. He's really struggling with that side of things, and as I say, this is causing her to struggle at doing her job. Ermehgaahd.

"Wow. This song is cake you guys!"

What must he mean? "Dope" or something like it? For a while there is dead silence. Then a paltry: 👍 

News of his faux pas spreads through all the relevant channels. Natalie, a blonde from England who loves natter and the act of nattering while mincing about like a tall dinosaur in high heels decides she must run immediately (in an abstract sense) to Becca Kay and report this felony of un-coolness with an aptly worded message. So she does. Becca snorts back her glass of tequila, like a witchy pig, relishing her pet tattle-tale's keen eye.

The following day the colleague, who was only earning $1000 Canadian dollars a month to Natalie's lazily earned 7000 which she worked a quarter as hard for, finds himself locked out of the platform, and effectively unemployed.

This is a very typical story. Be cool as in "High School cafeteria cool" or lose your livelihood.

In other words: Lose the respect of the "coolest" company on earth, and become a non-entity, ergo not only is your job down the drain, but you are no longer the recipient of Becca Kay's "Hey friend" messages. You are not even in any sort of email that goes out saying you left; nothing. Your basic identity and sense of security is all shat out on the pavement in a pool of your own guts outside of dingus and zazzy headquarters along with the eyes and rib-cages of other former employees.

This is the offboarding process at Dingus.

You're dead like the many-lived felix character, except you're dead with nails through every organ of self-respect. And they revel in it it with their active lack of retrenchment aftercare. The cool kids have turned your power off. Everything carries on as normal. Becca Kay narcissitically considers getting a bot in her image that checks in on every employee every 2 minutes. 


Becca goes: *snort snort. And things continue

She also goes Oink! 

Well. In your imagination at least. 

You send her a pointed message. She replies to each one of your heartfelt, nerve-wracked replies with the same header:


"Hey friend!!!"
"It's me Becca. We love your work but..."
"Hey friend, thanks for the feedback. Just to let you know, it's not your work quality..."
"Hey friend, if you have any issues please talk to me directly or we may have to sue..." etc

These are typical responses to the bemused "fire-ee" by Becca Kay who was never cool enough in high school and so had to prove herself by being an asshat in the professional world in the same way that the cool kids were asshats to her. Welcome to hell baby!