To think is not the customary domain of female energy: Let it go

 When a woman says "I need some time to think about it," in response to a heartfelt message that you love her and you want her to be a bigger part of your life, you can more or less stake your hopes on a richer, more vibrant stream. Let me break it down for the naive: You have a future; and it's not her! 

Forget about thing moving substantially forward with her. Forget about things taking shape. You want them to. I know. You want to see the new year in with someone. I get it. But it's unlikely to happen. 

What is likely to happen is that she'll use you for an ego boost. She'll keep you around just to make her feel like the queen bee. Make no concession to it. You are being used, my friend. Cut the thing off. Otherwise you're baking in some philosophy that should not exist there within the recesses of your soul.

I have been one such man; wasted 2 decades of my life chasing and never being satisfied. I had bad dreams about this girl blushing, thinking she liked me. I misinterpreted the blushing as a positive thing. The truth was she was disgusted or repulsed or something like it, on those stairs leading up to her house. Kelly was her name. Kelly Mackay. Now she's a teacher down in Czech republic. She had to leave South Africa because it does the young no good. That place... The animals have taken over the place. It's stinking Zim 2.5. 

It's a zoo over there. Animals wielding guns.

 In any case there she is. She's a nothing now. Nothing I'd consider special. I need someone fresh. I am a good guy. 

But in an inward way I'm still chasing her. I'm still looking for Kelly 2.0 somewhere. I found her in Koh Samui via Tinder 3 months ago. I met this Thai girl who has blonde hair and brown eyes like Kelly did The blonde hair is dyed of course. When I peered into Kelly 2.0's handbag when we last had supper together though; it was full of gunk and things that showed me she cared nothing for her personal appearance around me. Sunscreen or makeup or whatever. It was this black bag that looked alright on the surface but inwardly it was disgustingly stained. And it's not that she's too poor to afford a decent bag. Actually it was out in the open. I didn't have to do so much as peer. Which brings me to my next point. 

Watch for girls' appearances around you.

 The first time you see her and she looks good means nothing. All humans want to set a good impression the first time they see you. But if they start slipping up in this department, it usually means they think nothing much of you.

Kelly 2.0, this new Thai girl I keep going over to see in Koh Samui, despite my lack of funds to look after myself; she helps me go around Samui. She helps me and I'm lonely so I take the help and I'm grateful for it. Grateful to such a point that I chase her and she gives me this  lame-duck"good night" business via text. No kisses, no hugs, just those words. Empty. Devoid. Meaningless.  

And she's aging too; she's not all that much. Can she realize that? That she's not special in most ways? Just that she looks like Kelly the first. You see, this is baked into me now. This neediness; this being a doormat business. It's part of who I am now. And I can change it but it'll take work.

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She needs to realize that I appreciate her, but she's not my God. I let Kelly 1.0 trample all over me. It was a kind of initiation of the dark kind. And I've been doing it ever since. You can respect women, but you don't need this in you life. Let it go. Let your Kelly go. 

Yesterday I almost ploughed into a car I was so upset thinking of all of this. How women have used me and I've just let it happen. 

All of which can be summed up in a single sentence: If she has to think about respecting you; drop it. You don't need her. She can go elsewhere. That's not because you don't think she's special. Of course you do. But it's because she's got the wrong idea about you.