Attempt 2: Day 1 NoPron Age: 37.6

I want to be one of those clean philosophers, like Kant or Kierkegaard. Forget Nietzsche and Goethe. My journey into the carnal and a-logical has last night cleared the air. I can see why it's no good outside of marriage, and it's time to start again.

I am surprised that some of the people I thought to be great followers of Christ were actually not, as it turns out, that big on the idea. A lot of falsity and carnality has wracked our culture, and it's only by fleeing from these things that we can stand any chance against the wiles of the illogical and frenzied flesh. 

This morning, probably because it's my day off, everything is clearer and fresher and meaningful. I stared up at the balcony of an adjacent block of flats and saw there some clean laundry flapping gently in the breeze. Although flapping really isn't the word. It's too overdone. 

There is a lot that can be said about details. These details of everyday life; like laundry and things of that nature, are indicators - not so much the materials and colors and so on, but our reception of them. When I see a woman's clothing for instance, it's enough, sometimes to cast me into a wintertime depression; because the only woman I've ever truly loved carnally has gone... Gone for good. If I saw her in a Bangkok train she'd stand close to me, hold on to me, hug me with her words, but now that she's in a relationship that too is probably gone for good. 

So I got angry. But having received the devil's version of carnal fulfillment in the form of a bit of rubbin-pisser, I feel it's fine now. Even my hand eczema has magically disappeared this morning. 

But the entire goal hasn't changed. I'm still aiming for celibacy until my wedding day and actually, that's all that matters. That I'm trying my absolute best. When I say I'm trying my best there's a lot to be said for that because I live alone, I work only with students; I don't work in a large working environment. Where I work is a ghost house. It's awful for most. You wouldn't survive it either - well, at least chances are you wouldn't.