No pRon til 50. Day 3: Age 37.433

The hope molecule

Things are really tense for me. I'm not going to lie, this challenge is either going to make or break me. I'm feeling so old and so hopeless and it's working in the back of my brain all the time. It's just there like a panther ready to pop out, and that's generally where the acting out comes in. I mean the anxiety of never really achieving what I set out to do. 

Every morning I do the ice bucket-challenge. But before that I dip my whole face in the ice in a bucket - or more like a plastic clothes-washing basin - 3 times. Now I feel pretty invigorated. Next step is to do yoga for 40 minutes in my poorly-cleaned room...

I really don't want to live like this. Jordan Peterson  says "clean your room before you tell others what to do." If it wasn't so hard, I wouldn't do it. This is the plus-side of everything. I just cannot afford to carry on this way. Something's got to change. Change requires hard work. My mindset is rough and toxic, so cleaning it up requires a lot of self-care at first. It's like picking up sticks. One stick is connected to a bunch of others. For instance, say one stick is confidence; well confidence is connected to having a healthy body and a clean room. It's very complicated but simple when you do the hard work. 

Right now my mindset doesn't allow for anything besides roughness and toxicity, but I'm going to change that with God's help. I'm going to show it can be done. 

Exercise is hopefully going to change that. If I can just get to the gym every day, if I can just keep that as a firmly fixed habit, it's the molecule of hope...

                                                                         ******

It's an amazing thing how far we can fall down. How meaningless life can become when we chase pleasure and how we chase pleasure because we find life meaningless. That's how things go round and round like an Ouroboros, slowly, imperceptibly degenerating until there is very little left to hope for. Just as Satan fell from heaven because of his own beauty, we are like to fall in love with our own minds and the most amazing particle of the mind which is our imagination. 

It's amazing how we become so much less than we want to be when men have died to preserve the truth at burning pyres. 

It's amazing how we're locked into our picture of life and how it should be when there's so much more out there to explore. 

We're all pictures of the devil in that strange way. We have his imprint surging in us like a lightning bolt, ever willing to deceive. But the way to truth is through conscious, measured self-discipline. Pleasure that is short circuited is very short lived. It doesn't undergo the process of life. 

We all have sparks and pictures of heaven in us too. I had a girlfriend once, and we went diving just off the coast of Raleigh beach near Krabi and she swept her hands through the stars there and I'll never forget her wonder. She was so enamored by these stars that she could turn on and off with her hands. It was something quite lifechanging for her. But I lost her. And that's partly why I'm here. Doing this diary.

Let's keep everything pure. Let's not give into our baser dimensions. It's such a waste... We have to aim for what's high in ourselves and that's all that I really have to say. So lets quit our disappointments and do what needs doing.

NB The picture I have posted below is not a nude. It's of me in my boxers and it's specifically for self-reference. I don't care if you like it or not; I'm not here for likes. I just want to document my progress and I want the world to keep me accountable. If I slip up I have to tell you all and that's one hell of a thing given that everything we do on the internet is indelible.