No pRon til 50. Day 10 Age 37.47

Unclench Your Heart

Bit of a down day but that's to be expected when you're breaking a 30 year old habit. 

It was not easy for me to admit that I have no will of my own sometimes; and I don't mean in the sense of staying away from pRon. That's a given. I've not touched the stuff. 

Having woken up at 6 o' clock because I went to the hot springs last night, it is understandable that I couldn't wake up this morning at the earlier time of 4:40.  I feel like a mere mortal. Time and energy are not completely mine and this makes me feel small. They are limited. The hot springs are far away and require a lot of time out of my schedule. That's just reality. That's the way things break down. 

So my willpower wasn't enough to get me and keep me up at 4:40am because my body just said "NO!"

 After the One and a Half hour walk, I thought  "most people would have stopped,  but I will tell this story: I went to the hot springs afterwards until 11pm."

But not waking up early partially goes back to timewasting last night on asking ChatGPT. I asked why despite the fact that I impose so many health hacks on myself I'm still not that fulfilled. I felt empty on the way home. It's true; I'll admit it. This thing bites no matter how good you are. 

This encounter with nature also reminds me that I'm small. In order to be great, I have to be small. 

Woke up with a tent peg for a bonR this morning. It has to thicken if I'm to be proud of it. It's not there yet, the soft thickness that's required for total restoration. I have a lot more days to go. I am hoping for a full or 70 percent improvement. 

Girls are not so stupid when they steer clear of a man who is 13 years away from being 50 and has nothing going for him other than his job. . . 

All in all, this lifestyle of healthy living is better than non-healthy existence; at least there's that. I don't know what to say really, other than I'm doing my best. . . 

There is a sense of total disappointment sometimes but two things stand out to me: 

-Waking up this morning and looking handsome 

          -Waking up with a rod for bonR, which though not thick was intense. 

These are early days. . . Don't lose sight of the big picture. 

Some wisdom from the Tao which seems to apply: 

"Close your mouth, block off your senses. Blunt your sharpness. Untie your knots, soften your glare, settle your dust. This is the primal identity."

Let's not get carried away with the abstract though. The meditation for today is as follows: pRon is not the real thing any more than looking at a menu is the real meal. That is why one feels they are cheating themselves on day 10. I just want the thing. I need it, but it's not there. At 37 and a half (more than that  really... This is an outrage.