A lifetime of regret, laser-focused, on one individual in one moment.

 In the burning hot nerve-center of the after-moment, I wasn't aware of a lot of things. There were keen insights and there was also a lot of chaos. I had hoped to meet her. These were her final messages to me: 

At that moment, the air stank of hot burning shit of lies. I think I could have met her the next day, if I'd just played my cards properly. Then again, this chick had broken a million promises and acted indifferent in a million ways. Now there's nothing there to take out of it at all. It's dead. Dead as a trailer of dead things that were once screaming with life. The hardest thing in the world is to contain emotions when you've been let down enough times. I have  a list of these people, and in that moment, I could have handled these better. 

I'm at the airport at the moment and a million different thoughts are springing up. I'm thinking: What is the best way: To pay attention to life, and to be out there and single to mingle, or is it that your life should be so purpose-filled that you attract people? What are the socio-parasympathetic implications of this?

When you make it your life's business to deal in things that are of ultimate meaning, you get wrapped up in this kind of stuff. You have a mini heart-attack.  You don't choose for your heart to attack you. That's more or less what this was. She made my own heart attack me.

But let's use the logic to slice off its own head: 

I had believed that this was going to be us. That there was no way around it. That this was fate bringing us together.

Even worse was the feeling that I hadn't created anything   

It turns out that fate wanted no part in it. 

Now I need to go zero float or gym or something. The foreigners next to me are fidgeting around on this dumb chair at the airport where I'm waiting for my mother,  and it's driving me a little nuts. They have a lot of warmth but no self-awareness. I'm more Zen. 

Are you feeling like a shit-house on fire at the moment? Reading in General takes away the edge of life, while imbuing sense of re-enchantment.