Why I'll work myself to the bone and not for myself.

 I was up this morning well before dawn putting together something, during my holiday for the school where I work. 

This is blasphemy to the entrepreneurial spirit. 

Why is this the case? Why do we do this to ourselves? 

It goes back to social programming, and  not it's not about being a dutiful individual. 

It's the loss of self-identity. 

It's the loss of many wonderful attributes that are caged and hidden like distraught and sullen monkeys. 

I felt that today as my mother and I were walking through town. I felt the monkeys coming out and making my words angry and unhealthy. The perception I had of myself only changed when I treated myself in the shopping mall and tried on some clothes. That was a ritual whereby I actually showed care for myself. 

Perhaps it's unrelated but I also don't feel the urgency to approach women. This is one of the weirdest attributes I can think of. Let's put it into perspective: 2 mere years left of being in my thirties, and I'm still under this mistaken belief that I've got time. 

Saw a lovely girl in the alleyway today in the Hua Lamphong area, and she was on my mind for a long time afterwards. Were I out there I could have approached her. But I need art. I need to get the art back. I need to get that spirit back. I've got to talk to these women no matter where it goes, because it's going to get tough as my mother ages, and I realize I'll struggle to have no one I have history with. 

This is the issue. There is no one I have history with, so no one is able to cotton on to my strange habits as anything more than a weirdoes' annoying lifestyle traits. This makes me a poor candidate for meeting a girlfriend. 

But in the right state of mind, and as long as I'm exploratory, I find this is possible. But I don't like how I always push things into the future, and how I always have excuses. I don't like this apparent blind-spot. It's not healthy. 

But to be healthy you must almost always be happy enough to not eat yourself up from the inside out. And I'm not doing that either. This is a Gordian knot of note.