My Current State
Currently I'm using Codecademy to get somewhere in my career, my life, maybe even my level of desirability, something which is nonexistent right now. Even my coworkers, who I'm used to being the cool guy around don't respect me. In case you're wondering, I'm an ESL teacher in one of the worst-paying countries to be an ESL teacher: Thailand.
I was in total shock when I realized I'd purchased the entire year's course on Codecademy pro level, and that I wasn't even able to pay this month's rent because if it. Fortunately, my landlord only requires rent to be paid on the first of the month. That's November 1.
One positive is it spurred me into action. "I guess I have to make the most of that course now," I thought. But that hasn't helped me to much in terms of my lifestyle. This place, Surat Thani stinks! People are not sophisticated enough here. I had girls leaving me after asking for a date not once, not twice, but three times. Add to this numerous instances where I was rebuffed on the Thai dating sites and I'm outraged at how badly it's all gone.
I'm on the Data Science track for NLP(Natural Language Processing) though that may change. I'm doing as much as I can. I'm sick of going nowhere and being nothing. I want to go somewhere before this life is done though I'm not sure where.
It's been a tough slog because, no one, and I really mean no one cares about you when you're 37 and not on your feet in life. Even Thai girls who are known to be picky.
Although there is one outlier of a story from two weeks back which was when I saw this girl with her whole back tattooed and I was too shy to ask for anything from her. I just did her a favor and let it slide.
This was two weeks ago when I skipped church and went to Koh Samui with my metal detector to try to find gold that party animals had left behind. I went to Chaweng which is no good for this sort of thing and came out with a measly 70 baht in rusted fut up coins.
I'm a teacher who feels like the dating world has left him behind. And this is a way to deal with stress... Also my mother is 70 and keeps disintegrating due to Rheumatoid. She's fut up stubborn and refuses to stop working. This messes up my peace of mind and the Church I'm with is on cloud nine the whole time, refusing to come down and talk to me about it. As a result I don't trust them. I just work hard myself here. Partially out of guilt.
But on that night I saw a real tattooed barbie doll of a Thai girl. She needed me to take her to get petrol at a local kiosk. Her dress was all the way up to her backside.
I didn't pull any moves because the lady who was her "chaperone" was a damn ladyboy. Or maybe that's my excuse.
My Past in SEA(South East Asia)
Coming to South East Asia only a few years ago, I felt comfortable even starting a Tik Tok channel or a YouTube channel on my experiences here.
Right now though, all of that is different. My confidence took a shot.
All thanks to that poor girl from Issan leaving me. Also they don't like to speak to foreigners here in the South. Most times I'm late for some place and I start cussing them out for being so lazy and driving so slowly. I'm constantly feeling out of place.
I don't even feel worthy to be alive some days. And this pushes me to work harder. That's all I do. When I think of my Goddamn mom in a wheel chair it just gets worse for me. I need help, but nobody is here to help but me. And I feel so isolated and although the resentment about my ex has left me, I still feel stuck. And this other girl I contacted a few weeks back ghosted me. She was someone I figured I could be with but then I changed my personality on a whim.
I'd been listening to a lot of Casey Zander stuff and he told me to not give an S. So I didn't but it built up and when she said she forgot about the meeting plans we had I busted out a full-care attitude and that was bad because it broke with my baseline which was not to care.
I've ramped up many aspects of my life as well, including exercise. The trick is to be a shaolin even when no one is watching! Will it help? I don't know. I figure if I'm tough I might win this war with myself. Sometimes I'm in so much pain and feel so broken.
I hope I don't fall for an idiot again.
My present games include going to the local laundromat to get rid of my coins, dumping my head in a bucket of ice-water in the mornings, and walking around with no particular aim. I liked running recently. I just broke into a run and felt a ceiling of congestion above me that my lungs couldn't break through and I figured I could improve there. But why? Why do anything? This is the latest question.
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